A Pissing Off Summary Of How Prem Ratan Dhan Paayo Is Not A Film But An Investment

IMDB says,

While recovering from an assassination attempt four days before his coronation, a stern prince is replaced by a romantic lookalike.

A Bhai fan says,

Bhai, kya convince karta hai. Kya acting karta hai. Kya multi-star cast ke beech me double role karke 200 crores cross karta. Bhai rox. Love you Bhai. O O Jaane Jaana. O Priya O Priya Priya.

I say,

An investment by the most Sanskari production house of India which involved an actor/car enthusiast/domestic stuntman who needs no introduction and an actress/daughter/oh mah gawd!/fashionista who has none.

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Before we get into the plot, I think we should applaud Salman Khan for his generosity. Time and again Bhai has given work to actors whose existence starts becoming a question.

 

First, it was Jai Ho where Bhai brought Anna, Tabu, his body double Pulkit and generic ’90s villain Danny to the limelight. Bhai’s Career-Bachao-Yojna did its trick in Prem Ratan Dhan Paayo as well.

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This movie’s cast was a mix of gareebi and gold. Where you had the two gentlemen in the above frame, you also had Deepak Dobriyal and Swara Bhaskar. That brings me to an important point.

Why the fuck has cross-dressing become ‘important’ to garner laughter? Isn’t Kapil Sharma’s show enough?

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For those who couldn’t recognise, he’s the same guy who played Pappi in Tanu weds Manu. See what Bhainess and Sanskari overdose does to you?

 

Cut to the story –

Since Bhai is in a double role and the plot is non-linear af, for the sake of simplicity, let’s give the two characters these names.

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Nice Bhai, who is a struggling actor, meets rich princess Sonam Kapoor aka Rajkumari in a random health camp because that’s what rich people do in movies. Nice Bhai gets fascinated by her too-much-feels-for-poor-peeps and instantly falls in love with her.

He then sets off to meet her and has the shittiest game plan to impress her – Gujju snakes.

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Cut to – 

Parallely, Rajkumari Sonam is supposed to get married to rich prince aka Dick Bhai who is a total jerk to his sisters, his brothers and his caretaker Bapu – Anupam Kher.

Seriously, why the fuck is Anupam Kher in every damn film?

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Neil Nitin Mukesh is Dick Bhai’s younger brother and a bigger dick who wants his hands on the property and stuff. Armaan Malik is his aid and together, the two conspire to get Dick Bhai killed.

But they forgot one thing. Bhai Kabhi Marte Nahi.

Despite falling from a huge ass cliff, Dick Bhai survives but remains unconscious. Bapu shits bricks when he comes to know about this. However, his sidekick accidentally meets Nice Bhai while he’s busy buying snacks.

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Cut to – 

Nice Bhai is brought against his will to Bapu and together they plan to pull off the biggest crime in the history of Rajshri Productions.

Nice Bhai ‘Being Nice’ starts impressing every damn person. Basically, he’s just cleaning the poop Dick Bhai has been dropping over the years.

This includes making peace with his two estranged sisters. One, over a ridiculous game of football and the other, well, by offering her lots of money and property.

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Also, Nice Bhai tries to rekindle Dick Bhai’s relationship with Rajkumari Sonam by taking her to road trips and all that nostalgic jazz.

 

Then comes the most awkward moment in the history of Sanskari cinema.

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Nice Bhai becomes Rajshri town’s favourite fuck boi after repeated acts of kindness. He unites the entire family and things are going perfectly.

Until Dick Bhai rises from the dead and Bapu asks Nice Bhai to fuck off with all his niceness.

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P.S. – Neil Nitin Mukesh and Armaan Malik are still alive and are the same assholes.

A not-at-all-surprising fight follows in the climax and the two Bhais defeat the bad guys, save N^3 and put an end to this trauma.

In closing, we’d like to say –

via GIPHY

Thanks again for your time!

Disclaimer: Bol mai raha hun, shabd bhi mere hi hai. Being Indian doesn’t necessarily share similar views.

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