An Honest Summary Of How Kuch Kuch Hota Hai Fucked With Our Minds And We Didn’t Even Notice

 

Subject – Bollywood criticism 101

Q1. Define Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.

IMDB says,

During their college years, Anjali was in love with her best-friend Rahul, but he had eyes only for Tina. Years later, Rahul and the now-deceased Tina’s eight-year-old daughter attempts to reunite her father and Anjali.

A generic Bollywood rom-com lover says,

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai is the best film ever made. Rahul and Anjali define relationship goals for me. Tina is best. Neelam’s show is the best show. Also, Raghupati Raghav Raja Ram.

I say,

A complete dick who doesn’t give a shit about his tomboyish BFF until he loses his wife, his daughter turns eight and that BFF turns into a beautiful ‘real woman’.

 

Presenting Raaaahhuuuulll.

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Here’s something you should know about Rahul.

Rahul wears a ‘Cool’ necklace which is so cool that he actually got the word cool carved out of cheap metal. Rahul plays Basketball, Guitar and sometimes plays with feelings too. Also, he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about his business, because – SUMMER CAMP!

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Cut to the story –

Rahul is impressed with Tina’s Sanskars and instantly falls in love with her when she appears out of nowhere to save his Besura ass at an annual day.

Anjali is constantly ignored for being not-so-beautiful as per Bollywood’s mediocre standards and she tries her best to match up to Tina. But, Rahul being a friendship-band-distributing-dick that he is, doesn’t give a damn about Anjali’s efforts.

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Anjali gives up and leaves.

Along with Tina, her dad too falls in love and is always sexually-tensed due to the presence of a future-comedy-show-hahaha-lol-omg-so-funny woman in his life.

Cut to –

Enter Annoying Anjali

This one is 8 and is more mature than our entire generation combined. After reading 8 letters which her mom wrote to her when she was nine months pregnant, Anjali sets off on a mission to reunite her dad with well, you know who.

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Ek minute! How the fuck did Tina write those 8 letters in a span of a day? Here are some possibilities –

  1. Tina discovered a wormhole to a parallel universe which followed the laws of time dilation, predicted her death and started writing them way before her death.
  2. Daadi wrote those letters after smoking weed.
  3. Rahul hired a struggling writer under the pretext of an internship and made him write those.

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Anyway, Anjali and Daadi set off without giving any shit about the 8-year-old’s education. Daadi starts to decorate shit and Indianize the entire summer camp. Because nationalism was cool back in the 90s.

Something amazing happens in the show, something that’s the most important plot point of this epic movie – The Neelam’s Show. If The Neelam Show hadn’t happened, Anjali wouldn’t have known about Rahul’s existence and Director Nikhil Advani wouldn’t have made his only camera appearance.

Rahul finally discovers about summer camp (because screw GPS. This is the ’90s, he just closed his eyes and disapparated there) and makes a religious entry to the Dharma Summer Camp. Raghu Pati Raghav Raja Ram, get it?

The two BFFs unite in the most dramatic fashion and fall in love after a game of charades. SO MUCH FEELS!

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Cut to-

Enter Bhai!

Out of all people, Virgin Bhai drives his way to an already fucked up scene to marry Anjali without her consent. Obviously.

The mere thought of ending up with Bhai scares the shit out of Anjali and does the trick for Rahul. Finally, the two unite and things end on a happy note. Or not?

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Just a little spoiler: Had Tina consulted her husband before choosing to end her life, things would’ve been way easier. At least for one of the two Anjalis.

OK BYE! Thanks for your time.

Disclaimer: The views are of the author and not of Being Indian’s. Kuch Kuch Hota Hai was fine but definitely not iconic. My inbox usually welcomes hate so feel free to drop by. Cheers!

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