An Exclusive Guide Every Indian Must Follow In Order To Survive Peacefully In India

If you have an opinion, this is the best way to fix the disease…. 

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If at all, you get an intractable urge to crack a joke, please ensure you do not hurt the following people –

The Government, Modiji, Bhai fans, All 33,000 Hindu Gods, Allah, Jesus, Indian National Heroes (Foreigners chalta hain), Mythology, Lataji, Senior Citizens, The stray dog with your Snapchat filter. Basically, anything that can talk back and has a fan mob following.

Ensure your favourite actor belongs to a certain sect/community. Do not even dare to support any of the Khans. All of them are anti-nationals because they chose work over religion while deciding their co-stars.

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I always told my friends Uday Chopra is a safe bet.

Please teach your kids that it’s okay to call Gay/Lesbians/Trans/Bi-Sexuals/Queers names and make them feel extremely uncomfortable in their skin. Stereotype them and let people know they’re “forced into it” and will “get cured” after a good therapy session. If they don’t listen, remind them about Sec 377.

 

It is illegal to think logically. If you see someone getting beaten up/molested/raped, please ensure you remove your cell phone immediately and record everything before walking off peacefully.

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iStock

Ensure you stand every time you hear someone give a patriotic speech or hear the word ‘India’ in their sentence. WTF? Aren’t you standing right now? Are you even Indian?

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iStock

 

All jokes must be cracked only if they don’t make fun of anybody or hurt religious sentiments. 

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If your surname is Khan, Siddiqui, Sheikh, Pathan, please pack your bags and leave for Pakistan. You’re in the wrong country.

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Muslim old man

You aren’t allowed to ask questions about any implementation put forth by the Government. If you do so, you don’t deserve to stay in this country, you belong to Pakistan.

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Sex Education is for the weak. The best form of knowledge is allowing your children to discover it themselves. Sanskriti > Sexkriti.

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iStock

If you have an e-mail ID and an account on Twitter and Facebook, you must absolutely troll anybody who makes sense. You’re not allowed to exist on Social Media without an alternate face that bullies and forces people to pull down their post. It’s actually kinda fun.

You don’t need a written invitation to get a man under your skirt. He will come to you without you even trying. He’s ninja like that.

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iStock

Only and only if you listen to us and do everything that this list states, is when you will be allowed to live peacefully here. We’re all holding shovels and digging our grave one day at a time. The choice is yours. Do you want to use the muck and sand to fill it up or do you want to dig deeper?

Oh, if you’re going to call us negative, look around you and tell us what’s making you feel happy about this country today? No really. Spread some joy, please.

[P.S. Save the abuses for the author, not the page. The views expressed here solely belong to the author and not Being Indian]

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